Harry Potter meets Slim Shady
by crazy-weasley
Summary: Shady's ear's bleedin, Dudley n D'angelo are happily bullyin Billy J and Joel M, Petunia's jealous of Harry, 50's whipping Hailie. Vernon lost his wig. Draco loves Eminem.
1. ch 1

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

One fine, fine, well not so fine summer morning, on a street near privet drive sat a crazy crazy not so crazy but yes he is indeed crazy blond rapper wearing this big baggy plain white shirt and baggy grey pants.

Unsure of where he was and how he got there, wait, it must have been Dre's mooncake he ate while mooning at some girl name Moon under the moonlight. He didn't even know how those two events linked but he knew somehow it was related. Must have been doped.

The mad rapper started walking in circles because he was lost and after fifteen minutes, he grew fustrated and started rapping angrily to himself as well as to the whole street.

Meanwhile, inside number 4 privet drive sat a boy named Kim, not, his name was Harry, in his bedroom watching the flying thang in his book flying around in his book. He had two black circles around his eye that matched his round glasses, not because of lack of sleep but because he had been punched by a baby whale.

Suddenly there was this loud noisy noise he couldn't make out coming from somewhere outside.

A deatheater?

He leaped towards to window like a curious boy who just heard some unexplainable noises that probably came from some unidentified singing object.

He looked down and saw that noisy thing, which was actually a man, a man looking pissed and dissing himself or something like that.

A deatheater! Must be a relative of Malfoy's!

Shocked, Harry fell off the window grill he has been clinging on and fell on his back. His brittle bones shattered like a toothpick being dropped an inch onto a piece of paper.

He got up quickly and rushed towards his wand, but something caught his eye. Something in his cupboard caught his eye.

His reflection!

"I look good" Harry smiled admiring his reflection.

Somewhere miles away, an angry Ronald Weasley stomped his way down the stairs into the kitchen.

Somebody had just stolen his line.

Back in privet drive, Harry stood in front of the mirror for five whole seconds. There was the noise again. Harry snapped back to reality.

"...look is b. rabbit, now you sign me at the battle..."

He grabbed his wand and zoomed down the stairs but in his excitement -he was about to curse someone- he tripped, fell, slipped and landed on a massive piece of lard.

"Urrrggg..." grunted that big thing as it punched Harry leaving him with a bloody nose. Harry recognised it as his cousin.

Outside number four, the rapper still lost, tried to recall his name. Where was he?

There was a loud thump; a slapping reminded him of those waves of fats from Bizarre's, followed by some angry noises.

The rapper couldn't care less. He missed his mama and no he couldn't cry in front of the unfamiliar houses.

"Hi! My name is, what? My name is, who?…"

Harry picked up his wand, but it was now broken in 8.25 pieces. All because 825 pounds of lard fell onto it.

"Wand, come on wand!" Harry whimpered at his wand in hope that that would help but it didn't.

Somewhere else Ronald Weasley threw his Cleansweep at Mrs Weasley. His line was stolen yet again! He picked up his fellytone to call the please-man.

Many many many miles away, to the north of England, or is it India, stood this huge shack, The Malfoy Manor.

Draco Malfoy, that snobbish ferret sat in his room listening to his new Encore album his dad bought him and operating his latest new gadget, the Spycam!

He loved spying on others, especially on his favourite rapper whose name he can't remember and his favourite boxer who recently won the junior heavyweight championship or something.

Maybe because they, like him were blonds, and he needed to know how to be one when he himself is one.

"Why ain't he here yet?" Draco asked himself, "the portkey should have been activated by now and he should be here."

"I is here, yes?" said someone from somewhere in Draco's room, or maybe outside his room because Draco couldn't see anyone.

"Who's there?" Draco started shivering madly.

Ray Benzino must have come to look for him. Draco screamed and fainted.

**Oh yes, review please, I'm so sleepy. I'll try to update as soon as possible. If I ever do…**


	2. ch 2

**Disclaimer: Don't own.**

Three and a half seconds later, Draco woke to find two balls on his eyes.

"Ahhhhh" Draco kicked the balls away like a terrified ferret.

"Dobby is sorry sir, Dobby is just coming to see master's beautiful eyes, sir, and Dobby is coming to tell master that master's eyes is beautiful sir. Dobby is not like Winky to marry Dr Dre sir, Dobby is wanting to borrow bling sir." The ugly thing said rubbing it's volcano like eyes that erupted a few seconds later and Draco fainted again.

Back at Privet Drive, Harry crept towards the door slowly and opened the wooden door that was made of wood.

Immediately, he was blasted by this terrible noise, it wasn't that terrible, Dudley liked the noise and started dancing around the room. Apparently, the mad rapper had lost his sense of direction and was venting his frustrations on the road.

"Left, right left..."

The baby whale, as if hypnotized started waltzing down the hall with his reflection. Vernon sat on the top of the stairs looking proud.

Dudley crashed onto Harry and started waltzing on him.

All of a sudden, there was a scream from one of the house.

The milk chocolate who only melts in your mouth stopped rapping like the way water would stop running when your turn off your tap.

A girl! He must save the girl! His daughter!

He threw himself towards the house where the noise came from but overestimated himself, he couldn't jump that far, he landed on some grass patch instead.

He jumped again and landed in the bush.

Finally, after much stumbling, struggling, bruising, and snorting, on his third jump, he managed to reach the door.

He grabbed the knob and yanked it open.

"What the f?"

The small thing was screaming with his broken leg. The fat thing was dancing up the stairs but he tripped over another fat thing, fell down and broke nose, and the fat thing came tumbling after.

The rapper felt a ball of heat surging through his body, he had the urge to go up and kill the fat ball of thing for breaking his daughter's - wait a minute, that's not his daughter! Suddenly his conscience comes into play.

"_Alrigh' stop, before you walk in that door and try and stab the fat lard ball, you gotta think about consequences."_

"Who are you?"

"_I'm your mother father conscience."_

Harry stared up at that guy whom he thought was a death eater and still had no idea if he was one. He seemed to be thinking about something, either that or he wasn't thinking about anything, or maybe he was half thinking about half a thing. Either way, he looked like a Malfoy.

Harry scanned at that guy with his laser eyes, then he realized he was human. But noticed that he was holding a dagger.

The weird dreamy gaze, the dagger, the hair! He immediately pieced everything together.

He's under the crucio curse and out to kill Harry! That explains the weird stare, and why he was holding the dagger, and was not at all related to the hair!

"Expelliarmus!" Harry shouted with his wand pointed at the man.

The spell hit the man and he fell back in shock, the dagger flew out of his hand in slow motion, spun around 540 degrees sideways, did a back flip and landed into Harry's broken leg.

Back in Hogwarts, some evil idiot greasy git who loves failing students by the name of Snape -whom many people pronounced as Snap, and for that they apologize, they were wrong cause no matter what grease…- sniggered to himself for some reason, and he didn't realize till he started drooling.

On his table, was a photoshopped picture of himself and Hermy-wermy Granger together. He looked at it and sniggered again.

Ooooh, how he loved his daughter. That was in the past. Ooooh, how he loves his daughter. Though he wasn't sure if his daughter looks like that. Her remembered her having black hair and looking evil. Oh well.

Suddenly, Mr half moon Santa Claus rushed into his room without knocking and looking livid.

"SNAP!"

**Thanks for reading and reviewing. I shall continue.**


	3. ch 3

**Disclaimer: Own nothing.**

Snape looked up looking shocked; he quickly hid his photoshopped picture behind his back.

"Yes?" Snape gave the fakest smile he could ever muster but realized that it was not only the fakest but also his realest (is there such a word?) smile because it was the first time he has ever done so.

He quickly wiped his smile off because he wasn't supposed smile and his cheeks were aching because his cheeks had little muscle because he had never smiled before because he didn't know how to because he didn't go to school and wasn't taught how to smile.

It took him three seconds to return his face back to normal, he just wasn't used to that.

"Yes?" Snape repeated.

"Look at the time! It's 10 already, why aren't you asleep?" The old beard said sternly.

"But, it's-"

"I said it's late! You better get to sleep!"

"-10am-"

"NOW!" yelled the scarred knee man.

Snape grumbled to himself and walk out of his office. He slammed the door behind.

Dumbledoorre quickly moved swiftly as he glided softly but not quite quiet across the room towards the seat. He saw the photo and started sniggering to himself.

In Malfoy Manor, some little ugly creepy thing laughed even harder as he watched some video or something that his master left on, in this weird box toy thing called the spycam or something.

But he choked on his own throat because it was too long, and started coughing. He coughed too hard and one of his eye exploded unnaturally and blood gushed out happily.

Privet Drive.

Harry screamed as the dagger droved its way into his leg and forgot to brake or horn for that matter.

That loud piercing sound seemed to have awakened the dreaming man, he snapped out of his trance or dream? Stupid alarm clock. Was that his alarm clock? He had a weird dream that he was lost in this weird place with two fat things tumbling down this stairway.

Dudley snorted without knowing that his nose was bleeding, and because of that, he sneezed spraying blood all around him.

Vernon gave a yell and a cheer. Dudley had broken his spit spraying record. Now he can pass the trophy on to his son, pride of the family.

Some flowery bony horse came galloping down the stairs to comfort her son. She pulled him into a hug and notice a boo boo on his arm.

"Oh my boo boo, are you okay? Oh look at that boo boo you've got. Oh, how pretty it is. It is very pretty. Water the boo boo here and it will grow into something, you will be surprised at how beautiful it will look. It will be nice, a little green here, and violet here, maybe a little blue here-"

"Excuse miss, I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but I'm feelin' a little stress out from work," said the milk chocolate pushing her away.

"Ooooo!" Dudley interrupted the man and started clapping, dancing and rapping.

"My name is Dudley Dursley, I don' like er - leewee. I must have been peewee, to drop so much seaweed. I am the best, I wear my vest, I er.. errr..., I am happy!"

Ten minutes later, Draco woke up to find himself in his room. He was surprised so he started rapping a song off the album he could remember.

He decided to walk over to spy with his spycam but carefully tripped over a rag doll with a bloody eye.

He looked into his camera and all he saw was a very evil looking greasy man sneaking into a room and towards the table, he slowly open a drawer and Draco screamed again.

**Thanks again for RR-ing. More to come soon.**


	4. ch 4

Disclaimer: None's mine.

And hey! Thanks for reviewing, it makes me happy like Dobby when he meets Harry.

Harry woke up the next morning, the sun glared angrily at him for a moment, and he got blinded for two and a half seconds.

"Ah! Help!" Harry screeched at the top of his lung and then he suddenly remembered his leg and wasn't blinded anymore.

"Oww." He grabbed it and rubbed it then realizing that the knife was still in his wound.

Harry pulled the knife out and blood started sprayin out.

Suddenly, he could hear Aunt Petunia rapping on his door.

"Yo mama, fancy my mama, I got my mama, no no mama." She jumped off the door and walked off.

He looked around and realized for the 11th time in his life that he had just fallen asleep in the living room. Dudley too, he was lying on someone else, no, his butt was lying on someone's face.

The previous' days event suddenly came back to him.

Knife, Dudley rapping, Blondie, Dudley dancing, pain, Dudley falling, oww, Dudley's a robot?

Then Harry started to feel dizzy cause he was losin too much blood and cause he was afraid of blood, in the wizarding world, they call this: Imsooooafraidofthatredstuffonmylegphobia.

Suddenly(again?) Dudley snorted and farted.

The man under him jerked and Dudley fell forward. The whole room was filled with banana skin smell.

Dudley open his mouth and started wailing bacause he hurt his butt when he fell forward for some reason.

Suddenly, there was a loud noise outside, sound of tires screechin against some rough material thing that shrieks happily that you might call the road. Dudley rolled out of the door and begun beating up Billy Joe(GreenDay) and Joel Madden(GoodCharlotte).

Back inside the house the blonde guy got up and walked to Harry and hugged him.

"Haaaaaaaaailie! Don't die! Oh my poor baby, don't fABCin leave me, oh - " Before he could finish he felt something the left side of his head. His left ear started bleedin and he fell to to floor, out cold.

He managed to sputter out some wierd sounds that nobody but everyone understood, "Fat ... bully ...gelo Bailey..."

Harry screamed as he watched a Dudley sized man ran in. The guy started bashin Harry.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light and suddenly, a UFO appeared in the sky, and suddenly Petunia realized that the flash of light came from the UFO.

All of a sudden, the UFO flew away.

Petunia screamed.

When the fat guy finally finished bashin Harry, he went out to join Dudley in a game of Hailie Hunting.

But they gave up, not being able to find Hailie and also because she was currently being babysitted by 50.

They went in and started beating up Harry again.

Billy Joe and Joel Madden were finally free and congratulated themselves, finally they need not spend so much money on eyeliners, as Dudley had already seen to that, both spottin black rings around their eyes.

They started dancing and suddenly Joel pipped happily.

"I know you," he pointed at Billy's famous tattoo, "you're Fat Joe!"

"I'm not fat!" Billy whined and slapped Joel, Joel slapped back, Billy puched back, Joel kicked, Billy whacked, Joel scratched and suddenly both punched at the same time and fell over and got ran over by Vernon's bike.

Vernon had decided to exercise because he had recently put on 0.5 kg and was now half a kilo more than his desired weight which was 180 kg.

He decided that one round around his car was enough because he two round was tiring enough and he needed to get that freak boy to push him on his bike.

"Boooooooooooy!" he screeched merrily. Although his face was now hot pink. Before he could screech again, he fainted cause he was too exhausted and got ran over by Petunia who suddenly decide to take her motorbike out for a walk because she had gained 0.1 kg and was now officially overweight according to her and was now 20.01 kg.

She had made everyone go on a diet, everyone except for Harry who was 19.99 kg and she was jealous of him. She bought him loads of chips the day he came back but yet they mysteriously disappeared and crumbs appeared in Dudley's room.

"Everyone! IN!" She shrieked and screeched. She walked in dragging two panda looking guys into her home and Vernon tried to stagger after her but he got ran over by 50 cent who decide to take Hailie out for a walk he had lost 0.2 kg of his muscle.

"HURRY UP!" He shouted as he took his bling out and whipped Hailie as she hurried trying not to drop 50 and he was now sleeping soundly in her arms.

"Boy go make breakfast, we've got guest!" Petunia shouted at Harry who tripped over his own leg and got ran over by D'angelo Bailey and Dudley who were both so hungry that they forgot that they could run that fast.

Harry started weeping in self pity, because no one understood him and because no one took notice of him, he started wailing, "My leg it HURTS, I think Dudley broke it, my nose hurts too! And my leg is still bloody bleeding! And my tummy, Petunia, Petunia, quick, I need a naked nurse! Hurry - "

He got cut off by that blond rapper who laid forgotten at the foot at the stairs with a bleeding ear.

"That's my line! I'm gonna sue you!" he yelled and picked up his phone and started dialin.

Finally Vernon made it back home after being run over by so many things. He walked in and slammed the door.

"Cook breakfast boy!" He yelled as everyone ran to the kitchen.

Harry started cooking breakfast as Petunia took out her weighing machine and started weighing herself. She then glared at Harry and started mumbling.

"I'll make him... 0.3 kg and I'll be lighter than him... no, 0.4 kg... too close... 0.5 kg ... MWHAHHAHAHAHHA!" She laughed out evily.

She walked over and lifted Harry onto the machine.

She looked down horrified and gaped. 19.96 kg? "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..." Harry had apparently lost 0.3 kg of blood.

Petunia fell to the floor and started mourning.

Suddenly, the door slammed open and in walked Hailie carrying a very furious looking 50 cent, who suddenly jumped off and started whippin Harry and Petunia with his bling because he was hungry and because both were standing next to the stove. He assumed that they were the ones cooking.

Hailie fainted on the floor and the blond rapper quickly ran over to Hailie and started singin to her, "...dada will always love you, dada will always be there for you, Hailie I know you miss your..."

"Daddy you're bleeding." She pointed at his ear and fainted again because she had Imsooooafraidofthatredstuffinmydadsearphobia.

Finally 50 stopped whipping and walked away. Harry fell to the floor because he had lost too much blood. And Petunia carried his body and placed it onto the weighing machine. Still 19.96 kg.

"Nooooooooo, it's not a mistake!" She started sobbing then stood up and started marchin on the spot tryin to lose 0.6 kg.

50 ran up to the blond rapped to wave but due to his excessive amount of muscles around his chest which limited his view, he knocked them over and ran over them.

"Hey where are you?" He yelled as he fell and his muscles covered his face, he couldn't see anything. He stood up and the muscles just won't go away. He ran blindly into the kitchen.

Due to his fear of the dark and afraid that someone might harm him while he's so prone without the sense of sight, he started whippin his bling everywhere, managin to whip Vernon's wig off and it fell into Joel's empty bowl.

"Finally!" He stabbed the wig with his fork but due to the amount of oil on it, it slid away from his fork. Before he could stab it again, Billy snatched it and stuffed it into his mouth.

Dudley who was so hungry, due to the fact that he hadn't eaten since 8 minutes ago yanked the wig out of Billy's mouth gainin a few extra teeth in the process.

He swallowed the wig quickly before D'angelo could snatch it.

D'angelo scowled and punched everyone at the table.

Once the bacons were finished, Petunia quickly stuff them down Harry's throat.

Billy started chewin at his fork, while Dudley complained and whined about having stomachache.

50 finally made it to the table, he could see again, he started flexing his muscles at everyone, showing off his tattoos and the 9 wounds on his body where he got shot before.

"I'm MTV artist of the month." He said looking really smug. But since no one seemed to understand what he was saying, he suddenly blushed and got very self concious and mumbled something.

Then the blond rapper and his daughter got to the table and everyone got impatient and started knocking and banging their forks on the table.

D'angelo and Dudley walked over to Petunia and Harry to see what was takin them.

Dudley scream a very high pitch scream, he started punchin Harry's stomach and stuck his hand down Harry's throat to pull out the bacons.

D'angelo gave a very low pitch scream and started beating up Petunia very badly till she finally had one big bruise the size of her pinky on her arm. She screamed.

Joel got hungry and pulled Billy's fork. Vernon; face beet red, walked over to the two panda eyes and started tearin at their so that he could stick their hair on his head.

The Blond rapper's ears started bleeding again and he fainted while 50 cent started whippin Hailie again.

Just as hell broke lose, the door slammed open.

"STOP!"

Back in Malfoy Mansion, the boy woke up, he stepped over a dead thing, grabbed it and threw it into his closet.

He walked into his bathroom and stared at his reflection and screame.

His hair! It was brown again! Not blond! He picked up a bottle of peroxide and poured it over his head.

Draco smiled at himself as his hair colour lightened.

He heard the door outside his bedroom swung open and a voice.

"Where's he?" his girlfriend asked the empty room. Not empty as some dead thing answered from Draco's closet.

"He's in the bathroom. I think he's takin the crap dude."

Draco's pug face girlfriend started banging on the door.

"Stan - I mean Draco, Draco open up, Draco, DRACO?" Draco didn't answer.

Pansy slid down to the floor weeping to herself.

"My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all, the morning rain cloggs up my window and I can't see at all.  
And even if I could it'd all be gray, but your picture on my wall, it reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad..."

Lalallala...


End file.
